Writing sex tips recently for a women's magazine, I was forced to stop and think.
There I was, talking about sex, yet ever since I hit puberty I myself had been convinced that I would never get a partner. The worry only intensified when I went into my wheelchair and found that not only could I not walk, but Mr Wobbly now stayed wobbly no matter how much encouragement he was given to do otherwise. What girl would want to get physical with me?
That fear has been with me ever since, and has led to me making some very bad relationship choices, mainly in the "better stay put because you might not get another chance" category. But if I'm truthful, I've never had any problems getting a date. I have spent no more than three weeks single since I was 19, and I'm 40 later this year. I have never had an able-bodied girl freak out about my disability, and have never had a complaint when I get jiggy with it. In fact, I have never had any experience of anyone able-bodied being put off by my disability at all.
Before you all start puking and thinking this is an advert for Planet Mik, it seems I'm not the only one. If I think about it, every disabled person I know nowadays is in a relationship, most of them with able-bodied partners. I even have a good mate who's a wheelchair user, a star in the worldwide swinging scene, and regularly makes porn. So why do we still seem so sure that the able-bodied world think of us as sexless?
I have recorded TV and radio shows about the difficulties of being disabled and finding love, written manuals on disability and sexuality, and even attended whole conferences on the subject. But they have all been from the same angle: disabled people talking about what able-bodied people think about sexuality and disability.
I am sure that, a while back in history, we were thought of as unsexy. After all, it was only 60 years ago that the Nazis tested gas chambers on us, and even more recently that we were still being sterilized in the USA. But society's views on disability have changed massively since then.
Once, you never saw cool cripples; now there are loads. Hey, I know - I made my career on being "that punky crippled bloke", but now there are so many attractive crips in the media that I don't get a look in! Same goes for the disabled ladies. We've even had disabled models like Shannon Murry advertising make-up in the states. If these people are regarded as cool and attractive by the media, then the general public are likely to be thinking the same thing about them. OK, it's not exactly a fashion statement yet to have a crip on your arm, but I hope we've got past the hang-up we used to have that if someone was interested in us they were probably a devotee. Yeah, there are some pervs out there who only want to have sex with a crip, but they are a small minority. Most people in the world look upon us in the same way as they do any other minority group: we are an unknown quantity, but we are not beyond love.
Yet perhaps, in some cases, our fears have become a self-fulfilling prophecy; if we still believe no one will fancy us, then no one will. If we are so sure it will be difficult for us to find love, we won't do all the things the able-bodied do to get out there and look. All of my able-bodied friends, of both sexes, spend hours bemoaning the lack of "nice" people out there, and I know all of them wouldn't think twice about going out with someone disabled. I reckon there are armies of people out there who are all alone, wishing for true love, and not caring whether that love can walk, see, hear or whatever. All they want to is to love and be loved back.
So, when my article about sex tips was greeted with much admiration from the able-bodied editors, I realised that, whether or not it used to be hard for a disabled person to find a partner, it is soon going to be a push-over. My advice? Get your pulling gear on...
Writing sex tips recently for a women's magazine, I was forced to stop and think.
There I was, talking about sex, yet ever since I hit puberty I myself had been convinced that I would never get a partner. The worry only intensified when I went into my wheelchair and found that not only could I not walk, but Mr Wobbly now stayed wobbly no matter how much encouragement he was given to do otherwise. What girl would want to get physical with me?
That fear has been with me ever since, and has led to me making some very bad relationship choices, mainly in the "better stay put because you might not get another chance" category. But if I'm truthful, I've never had any problems getting a date. I have spent no more than three weeks single since I was 19, and I'm 40 later this year. I have never had an able-bodied girl freak out about my disability, and have never had a complaint when I get jiggy with it. In fact, I have never had any experience of anyone able-bodied being put off by my disability at all.
Before you all start puking and thinking this is an advert for Planet Mik, it seems I'm not the only one. If I think about it, every disabled person I know nowadays is in a relationship, most of them with able-bodied partners. I even have a good mate who's a wheelchair user, a star in the worldwide swinging scene, and regularly makes porn. So why do we still seem so sure that the able-bodied world think of us as sexless?
I have recorded TV and radio shows about the difficulties of being disabled and finding love, written manuals on disability and sexuality, and even attended whole conferences on the subject. But they have all been from the same angle: disabled people talking about what able-bodied people think about sexuality and disability.
I am sure that, a while back in history, we were thought of as unsexy. After all, it was only 60 years ago that the Nazis tested gas chambers on us, and even more recently that we were still being sterilized in the USA. But society's views on disability have changed massively since then.
Once, you never saw cool cripples; now there are loads. Hey, I know - I made my career on being "that punky crippled bloke", but now there are so many attractive crips in the media that I don't get a look in! Same goes for the disabled ladies. We've even had disabled models like Shannon Murry advertising make-up in the states. If these people are regarded as cool and attractive by the media, then the general public are likely to be thinking the same thing about them. OK, it's not exactly a fashion statement yet to have a crip on your arm, but I hope we've got past the hang-up we used to have that if someone was interested in us they were probably a devotee. Yeah, there are some pervs out there who only want to have sex with a crip, but they are a small minority. Most people in the world look upon us in the same way as they do any other minority group: we are an unknown quantity, but we are not beyond love.
Yet perhaps, in some cases, our fears have become a self-fulfilling prophecy; if we still believe no one will fancy us, then no one will. If we are so sure it will be difficult for us to find love, we won't do all the things the able-bodied do to get out there and look. All of my able-bodied friends, of both sexes, spend hours bemoaning the lack of "nice" people out there, and I know all of them wouldn't think twice about going out with someone disabled. I reckon there are armies of people out there who are all alone, wishing for true love, and not caring whether that love can walk, see, hear or whatever. All they want to is to love and be loved back.
So, when my article about sex tips was greeted with much admiration from the able-bodied editors, I realised that, whether or not it used to be hard for a disabled person to find a partner, it is soon going to be a push-over. My advice? Get your pulling gear on...